how i feel...

I find myself in an odd place these days. (and I don't mean Liberia, although it is definitely bizarre here.) I am not talking about a physical place either, it is more of an emotional place that I don't know how to define. It is like I am standing on the top of a hill and on one side I can see where I've been, where I've sacrificed and cried and laughed and grown and met amazing people and developed quite a love-hate relationship with an entire nation. On the other side is something new, yet familiar. Something I am excited, yet cautious about jumping into with both feet. On this side are old friends and dear family members. A house I love. A "real" job. Running water. Target. There are things I love on both sides of the hill. I am not leaving one side for the other because I don't love it, I am moving in a different direction simply because I know it is time. Standing on this hill, looking out over both sides I see things I love and will miss, things I dread and look forward to. Not only do I not know how to define this place, I don't know how to feel about it. Should I be happy? sad? excited? cautious? hopeful? torn? In fact, I feel all of these things and somehow they seem to have formed themselves into a huge conglomerate of nothing so that all I really feel is kinda numb. I've never really looked upon change as something I enjoy. I can identify that it is necessary and change does not mean bad. Change can be quite exciting and good. Yet still, I tend to be someone who prefers her comfort zone. How this small, strange land became my comfort zone is still a mystery to me, but it is true. I think I may have more concerns about returning to life in America than I have of leaving Liberia. There is a sweet simplicity among the chaos here that I fear will be lost in the midst of the rat race at home. I don't want to lose the person I've become here, I want so badly to find a way to bring her with me but am afraid in the process I will lose her. So, here I sit at the top of my hill so close to the peak that I know there is only one way I can go. I do have fears. I do have excitement. I do have peace-- sweet, deep, doesn't-make-sense peace. I know this is the direction I am supposed to go, but... it. is. not. easy.

(I do not write this looking for answers. I simply write to try and discover, to attempt to explain, where I am-- Because people keep asking how I feel, and I don't know what to say.)